Growing up

She's just 2 years old - 2 years and 5 months, actually.

I laid her down in her bed tonight, and she said, "hey mommy?" (virtually every other sentence begins with those two beautiful words). "Hey Mommy? Stay here" I have trash all over my house from my Hopi "kids" being over, and my bach aches from the work of the day, but I can't say no tonight. So I sit on the floor by her bed. She puts out her hand and says, "hold hands" and slips her soft little hand into mine.

My heart aches at the beauty of the moment. While on one hand I wonder how I'm going to manage life with a 2 year old and a newborn and not a minute for me, on the other hand, I feel the time slipping by all too quickly, and soon her soft little hand will be too busy to hold mine. I don't want the moment to end... but it will, and another beautiful moment will take it's place.

Someone once told me about raising kids that every age is the best... I thought that can't be true. But as I experience every age through Charissa and now Caleb, I discover there is something so utterly novel in each moment, in every age and phase, that in capturing it, we discover the essence of living. May these moments not pass by too quickly, and may I not be too busy to cherish them.

Our precious baby

This is an update for all of you who may not have heard yet about what's going on in our lives and the baby we're having a couple short months...

I write this mostly to ask for prayer for our baby, and for wisdom for us...

We found out about 2 months ago that our baby has something goofy going on in his development. Mainly, his stomach is growing on the wrong side of his body... it should be on the left side under his heart, and it's on the right side. In and of itself, it doesn't mean much, but there could be implications for other problems because of this... it's quite rare, and doctors say we just won't know until he's born. He is growing well, seems to be strong, but the doctors are watching him more closely, which means we are driving anywhere from 100 to 250 miles twice a week for testing and monitoring - not quite what we expected to spend our summer doing, but well worth it to make sure this little guy gets the best care he can!!!

We won't be able to have the baby where Charissa was born, since the doctors want us to be at a place affiliated with a good Children's Hospital. We're still working on specifically where and need great wisdom from the Lord on that.

We know the Lord's hand is on this baby, and His promises hold true in every situation: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well. Ps 139."

We are convinced this is no mistake or accident - God's hand has been on his development from before we knew of his presence. Thanks for all your prayers - we really feel them right now!

Faith

We know the verse, and quote it readily: "Faith is the assurance of the things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen"... That's a nice, neat, definition. But how do you practice it? How does faith make it's way into every cell of your being?

It's been a long time since I've written - I think I've been so overwhelmed by life it's hard to find a place for words sometimes. At the beginning of this year, the Lord told me that this was going to be a year of faith - of me having to come face to face with who He is, who I am, and learning to truly trust Him with my everything. I thought -"Okay, I can see where this is heading. We need a lot of guidance in the ministry right now, and so I'm sure this is where it's going to focused". And every day I find that to be true... but I guess I didn't expect it to hit my personal life this hard. Not only do I not know the future of this incredible ministry after August, but I don't know the future of this precious baby I'm carrying right now. When God asked me to trust Him with everything, He really did mean EVERYTHING.

A couple days ago, my brother asked me how things were going out here, and I realized that I had nothing firm to say about anything... the radio station, the ministry center, the ministry itself, our baby... all hangs in the balance and only God knows the future of any of it and controls the outcome. Of course, that's the case all the time, but it's so blatantly real right now - it actually feels kind of good in a strange way.

We fool ourselves into thinking we are in some kind of control... we have our schedules and calendars, our plans for tomorrow, and we know where we're going. It's all a house of cards, since no one holds the future but our God, but there is a sick sort of security in that. And then you come nose to nose with reality, and there's a calming assurance in knowing that this is how it always is, you just see it more clearly right now. This is the substance of faith, the murkiness and uncertainties, the confusions and pain, the throwing it all down and being able to say from the depths of your soul, "not mine, but YOUR will be done"

YOUR WILL BE DONE... teach me to truly trust this in every minute of my day.